Jokes and one liners from the back row

Spin your yarns here.
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whitbey
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Jokes and one liners from the back row

Post by whitbey » Wed Jul 03, 2019 2:00 pm

Call it the Back Row.
One liners, jokes and funny perspectives.
No politics.

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune.......Shoot one.

Ask a Conductor if they could follow the band better.

When a Conductor had a meltdown and threw his music on the floor........I asked him to tell us how he really felt.

And not limited to just music as our lives do other things too.

I am a realtor....
That roof should be good for at least another 2 weeks.

Or a comment about someone....
She is the nicest girl that ever walked the streets.

A Band promo
We suck, we blow, we bang. How many tickets do you want?

I think this would be great to share with other trombonist because I am happier than a pink unicorn on a carousel.
Last edited by whitbey on Wed Sep 18, 2019 4:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
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Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
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Bass Bach 50 Bb/F/C dependent.
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BarryVarie
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New section suggestion

Post by BarryVarie » Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:08 pm

Sounds like a good idea to me, either in the b/s/t section or a new one.

Skippy, you got that from PUX.
whitbey
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Re: New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:14 pm

When I was young I told my Grandma that when I grow up I wanted to play trombone. She told me I couldn’t do both.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

A man accidentally ate 6 toy plastic horses.
The doctor describes his condition as stable.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
Edwards brass bell 547/562
Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
Conn 34H Alto
Bass Bach 50 Bb/F/C dependent.
Cerveny oval euphonium
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TimBrown
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Re: New section suggestion

Post by TimBrown » Sat Jul 27, 2019 4:56 am

I told my wife that when I retired, I wanted to learn how to play the trombone in the worst way. She recently told me, "Mission accomplished".
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JohnL
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by JohnL » Sat Jul 27, 2019 8:48 am

How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We'll never know; no one is ever watching.
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Kingfan
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by Kingfan » Sat Jul 27, 2019 2:53 pm

How does a lead trumpet player change a light bulb? He reaches up, grabs the bulb, and whole world revolves around him.

Why are bagpipers walking when they are playing? They are trying to get away from the noise too.

Whey are bassoons better than oboes? They burn longer.

If you see a drummer in a suit, what is the most likely next words out his mouth? "Not guilty, your honor!"

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend? Homeless.

How can you tell who on the elementary school playground is the trombone player? The kid who can't swing or figure out the slide either.

How can you tell if the bandstand is level? The drool is coming out of both corners of the bass player's mouth.

Why don't you want a vocalist to open up the practice area for the band? They are always coming in late, and have trouble finding the key.

If two trombone players are in the back of a car, who is driving? The arresting officer.

BANDSTAND: The area furthest away from an electrical outlet.

BIG BAND: Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: A prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CATERER: A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

CHANTEUSE: A singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: Someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: A guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.

CONTRACTOR: A man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DJ: The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.

D-MINOR: A rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer (Yiddish music).

DOUBLE BASS: The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: The instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

HOTEL PIANIST: A guy who looks good in a tux.

JAZZ: The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

MELLOPHONE: An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: The archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: Someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE: A musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEAR'S EVE: The night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it.

PERCUSSIONIST: A drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: An archaic term for a keyboard player.

PRODIGY: A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RARE VIOLIN: A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

UNION REP: A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D' AMORE: A baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: The Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: A man blessed with great hair for music.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are still missing! :D
King 2B, 3B, 3B-F, 4B-F, Holton TR-180.
keybone
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by keybone » Sat Jul 27, 2019 4:28 pm

A trombone player is driving down the road.
A worm is driving in the opposite direction towards the trombone player.
What is the significance?
The worm is on it’s way to a gig.
whitbey
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Sat Jul 27, 2019 6:53 pm

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
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Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
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cmcslide
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by cmcslide » Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:15 pm

He is committed to his music. He loads his $5,000 instrument into his $500 car to go to play a $50 gig...
Professor of Low Brass, Coastal Carolina University
RoscoTrombone
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by RoscoTrombone » Wed Jul 31, 2019 5:42 am

What's the difference between a bull and orchestra? On a bull the horns are at the front and the a**hole at the back.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a flautist? A seamstress tucks up frills....
afugate
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by afugate » Wed Jul 31, 2019 6:32 am

RoscoTrombone wrote:
Wed Jul 31, 2019 5:42 am
What's the difference between a bull and orchestra? On a bull the horns are at the front and the a**hole at the back.
My daughter quipped: "They don't allow orchestras in china shops..." :lol:

--Andy in OKC
whitbey
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:53 pm

The last time I saw that Conductor he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
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Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
Conn 34H Alto
Bass Bach 50 Bb/F/C dependent.
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SGlong
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by SGlong » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:53 pm

How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knocking speeds up and slows down and they never know when to come in.
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by SGlong » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:54 pm

Did you hear about the bassist that locked his keys in the car?

It took two hours to get the drummer out.
SGlong
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by SGlong » Thu Aug 22, 2019 11:25 am

Why don't you tell a joke to the bassist and drummer during intermission?

Half way through the next set, they'll start laughing.
whitbey
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Fri Aug 23, 2019 5:28 pm

No matter how much you push the envelope it is still stationary.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
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Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
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BGuttman
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by BGuttman » Fri Aug 23, 2019 7:00 pm

Want to slow down a banjo player? Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Need to slow him more? Put notes on the sheet.
Bruce Guttman
Merrimack Valley Philharmonic Orchestra
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whitbey
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Wed Sep 04, 2019 12:37 pm

She used to be a pilot in a broom factory.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
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Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
Conn 34H Alto
Bass Bach 50 Bb/F/C dependent.
Cerveny oval euphonium
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BGuttman
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by BGuttman » Wed Sep 04, 2019 1:37 pm

So moved.
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Doubler
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by Doubler » Wed Sep 04, 2019 4:23 pm

Do trombonists prefer sliders to regular hamburgers?
Current instruments:
Olds Studio trombone, 3 trumpets, 1 flugelhorn, 1 cornet, 1 shofar, 1 keyboard

Previous trombones:
Selmer Bundy, Marceau
whitbey
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:00 am

Thanks!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
Edwards brass bell 547/562
Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
Conn 34H Alto
Bass Bach 50 Bb/F/C dependent.
Cerveny oval euphonium
Full list in profile
whitbey
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:09 am

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
Edwards brass bell 547/562
Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
Conn 34H Alto
Bass Bach 50 Bb/F/C dependent.
Cerveny oval euphonium
Full list in profile
whitbey
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Wed Sep 11, 2019 11:02 am

I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know the best way to quit.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
Edwards brass bell 547/562
Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
Conn 34H Alto
Bass Bach 50 Bb/F/C dependent.
Cerveny oval euphonium
Full list in profile
whitbey
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Re: Jokes and one liners New section suggestion

Post by whitbey » Wed Sep 18, 2019 3:51 pm

A drummer recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don’t know what there laced them with, but he’s been tripping all day.
Edwards Sterling bell 525/547
Edwards brass bell 547/562
Edwards Jazz w/ Ab valve 500"/.508"
Conn 34H Alto
Bass Bach 50 Bb/F/C dependent.
Cerveny oval euphonium
Full list in profile
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